Break the habit
by peroquenotevean
Summary: Just another tribute to Linkin Park and Chester Benninton. "Breaking the habit" is the inspiration to this little trip inside Jackson mind. April goes to a date and Jackson doesn't react well. Nothing that we haven't seen on the show


_**Another short drabble in tribute to Linkin Park. I'm just borrowing the song "Breaking the habit" as inspiration**_

 _ **This time is a Japril fanfiction from Jackson POV.**_

 _ **It's not a happy story, I tried to be a little optimistic, but if you want to read a happy ending this is not the place. There is a little hope in the end, tho… There is always hope**_

 _ **Let me know what you think, as always reviews are welcome**_

 _ **Lyrics in bold letter**_

 _ **Song: "Breaking the Habit"**_

 _ **Disclaimer: the song" Breaking the Habit" doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Linkin Park and their discography**_

 _ **RIP Chester Bennington**_

 **Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again  
**  
Jackson Avery stayed still in the middle of his room, waiting for her to make some noise, any noise. He couldn't sleep without knowing she was there, the silence reminded him of her absence, it reminded him of those never-ending months without her. She wasn't at home and he couldn't lay down and sleep until she was back, safe and sound, still untouched by anyone that was not him.

 **[Pre-Chorus:]  
I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused  
**  
He imagined her with some mediocre guy who didn't deserve to be there with her. But she would leave him be nonetheless because she has convinced herself that she doesn't deserve better. And she would smile and laugh and drink and eat and talk and do all the things she didn't do with Jackson anymore  
She moved on and Jackson still felt stuck in the middle of this wannabe relationship that was and wasn't, a relationship that he didn't know what it wanted to be. And it's his entire fault, he was the one who asked for the divorce, he was the one who asked her to move in, he was the one who didn't want to move on

 **[Chorus:]  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm  
Breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight  
**  
Jackson and April only fought. They were living in a perpetual civil war and he couldn't remember what and who started it  
He hated it. He wanted to end it, he wanted to go back to their happy bubble, he wanted to go back to the days of carefree joy, the wild sex, the conversations about everything and anything at the 3AM, to receive that special dimple smile reserved only for him  
But she came back with a dreamy smile and he couldn't bear with it, with her. She said "hi" and he answered with some jerky thing about Minnick and the hospital because he couldn't talk about the real problem. He yelled and she tried to be quiet. There's nothing submissive about her silence, her silence was dismissive and condescending, it just pissed him off more, so he retaliated with the list of her crimes that can be summed up in two names, Jordan and Minnick. His words were nastier and cruder until she started to answer him in the same way. The fight was vicious until she surrendered and went to her room. Before she disappeared he saw it, the hint of fear in her eyes that sooner or later shows up and breaks his heart

 **Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I had no options left again  
**  
Back in his room, he takes a swing of his poison of the night and tries to calm down

 **[Pre-Chorus:]  
I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused  
**  
 **[Chorus:]  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight  
**  
He wonders. How has he become this person? When? Why? Since when is he the kind of person who leaves holes on the walls and fear in her eyes? He used to be her safe heaven, the person who would beat to a pulp his friend just because he made her cry. Now she is in her room, crying because of Jackson, and the only thing he feels is the bittersweet taste of the victory. He has cried too, she has hurt him too, she deserved everything he did to her

 **[Bridge:]  
I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends**

As soon as the thought enters his mind it comes the guilt . He didn't want to make her cry, did he? He didn't mean the things he said, did he? Deep down he knows he is as guilty as she is, maybe more, after all she came back and he was the one who gave up. After all she didn't want to hurt him and he only wants to hurt her, to punish her, to erase that special dimple smile that wasn't only for him anymore

 **[Chorus:]  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
To show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight  
**  
He doesn't want to be this guy, the one who yells, lash out, and use his words as sharp knifes to make her cry. He doesn't want to be the guy who leaves holes on the walls and put fear in her eyes. He wants to be her safe heaven again.  
So tonight is the last night. He will bear with her dates and another men having what is his, he will bear with her being in the opposite side of him, with her having a new job and making decisions without him. He will bear with her independence and strength that doesn't need him anymore.  
Tonight he is breaking the habit  
No more fights.

Just she and him


End file.
